I'll be making predictions for all 35 (!!!) bowl games. 35, you say? Yes, 35. Which brings me to some points, numbered for your convenience:
- There are too many bowl games.
- They have stupid names.
- They have stupid corporate names.
- Their corporate sponsors don't even try to make their bowl names about football.
These problems combine to make The Most Wonderful Time of the Year downright unwatchable at times, if only because I shudder to think of Lou Holtz blubbering over "San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl" or "Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl."
How's this for a general rule: Bowl games should never be more than 2 words long, including "Bowl." And The Rose Bowl gets a "The" and a "Game." Otherwise, 2 words. There are something like 200,000 words in the English language. Pick one, and name your bowl game. You can put your corporate logo below it.
So I give you: my suggestions on how to make each bowl more exciting. In bold are my predictions. Computer pick is in italics. (Note: I do my picks before the computer, so I'm not influenced by any machine.) Different picks are noted by **. The computer differed with me on 13 picks.
New Mexico Bowl: #59 BYU vs. #93 UTEP
Saturday, December 18. 2:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Actually, it's quite nice to see a bowl without a corporation in its title. However, it still breaks my rule of names being more than 2 words long. So, here's the plan: drop the "New" and play the game in Mexico, preferably over the border in Juárez. The city's problems with serial murders and drug and human trafficking could be cured by the sudden influx of Mormons coming to cheer on BYU. Win-Win!
BYU 32, UTEP 21
BYU 22, UTEP 20
BYU 22, UTEP 20
uDrove Humanitarian Bowl: #28 Northern Illinois vs. #36 Fresno State
Saturday, December 18. 5:30pm ET
How this bowl could be better: It could be played somewhere NOT Boise, Idaho, on December 18. Well, that's not happening. uDrove is going to get their name on that Blue Field somehow. Blue field? Well, why not? How about half the field is painted black, and Northern Illinois gets to wear its all-blacks. The other half gets re-painted red, and Fresno wears their all-reds. Then we can actually do a controlled experiment on whether the camouflage factor helps offenses or defenses. Also, it would look like checkers.
Fresno State 26, Northern Illinois 21
**Northern Illinois 37, Fresno State 24
**Northern Illinois 37, Fresno State 24
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: #50 Ohio vs. #61 Troy
Saturday, December 18. 9:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Forget the Superdome. Get an R+L Carriers cargo train and play the game on top. While moving. Ball going over the side counts as a safety for whichever team touches it last. Bring a bunch of extra footballs.
Troy 28, Ohio 27
**Ohio 30, Troy 29
**Ohio 30, Troy 29
Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg: #38 Southern Mississippi vs. #74 Louisville
Tuesday, December 21. 8:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Hire someone to say your bowl name before you approve it. Let's try: Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl. Or better yet, St. Petersburg Bowl. Wait, that violates the 2-word condition. OK. Beef Bowl. Former USM QB Brett Favre texts the winners a picture of his beef.
Southern Mississippi 21, Louisville 13
**Louisville 29.5, Southern Mississippi 29.4
**Louisville 29.5, Southern Mississippi 29.4
MAACO Bowl Las Vegas: #16 Utah vs. #5 Boise State
Wednesday, December 22. 8:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Strippers acting out the replay in the upper right corner of the screen. Hey. It's Vegas. A Boise State running back proposes to one of them after a touchdown and gets married during halftime.
Boise State 34, Utah 17
Boise State 39, Utah 21
Boise State 39, Utah 21
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: #26 Navy vs. #34 San Diego State
Thursday, December 23. 8:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Besides the obvious (it takes two breaths to say the name, and it's longer than the number of words in the average football player's sentences), it's just not fair that San Diego State gets home field. So, each quarter the game switches to Navy's "home field," an aircraft carrier stationed in the bay. This game could take longer than the rest of Navy's season did combined.
San Diego State 27, Navy 24
**Navy 28.9, San Diego State 28.7
**Navy 28.9, San Diego State 28.7
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: #21 Hawaii vs. #25 Tulsa
Friday, December 24. 8:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Play at the summit of Kilauea. Lava. Lots of it.
Hawaii 43, Tulsa 38
Hawaii 39, Tulsa 32
Hawaii 43, Tulsa 38
Hawaii 39, Tulsa 32
Little Caesars Bowl: #70 Florida International vs. #37 Toledo
Sunday, December 26. 8:30pm ET
How this bowl could be better: I had to look up where this is, which isn't a good sign. When I found out where, I felt worse. Detroit. Change the name to the Bailout Bowl, and give huge bonuses to each team after every series, regardless of the outcome. See how quickly the quarterbacks start throwing INTs on purpose so they can get off the field and collect their fat checks.
Toledo 35, Florida International 21
Toledo 27.9, Florida International 27.8
Toledo 27.9, Florida International 27.8
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: #30 Air Force vs. #73 Georgia Tech
Monday, December 27. 5:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: And I went all this time thinking AdvoCare V100 was something for a car. Turns out, it's a health supplement. Doesn't matter. This game could be improved by mandating that each team throws on every down. A run, even a sack, is inappropriate conduct and nets a loss of 15 yards and re-play of the down. It's safe to say there would be more punts than points.
Air Force 27, Georgia Tech 24
Air Force 30, Georgia Tech 24
Air Force 30, Georgia Tech 24
Champs Sports Bowl: #22 West Virginia vs. #31 North Carolina State
Tuesday, December 28. 6:30pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Bill Stewart refuses to coach. West Virginia's put him in an awkward situation, hiring a successor (Dana Holgorson) without firing him first. He's already agreed to take on an administrative role in 2012, but for the next year, how awesome would it be to see Stewart sitting on the sideline in a comfy chair in his pajamas, sipping hot chocolate and reading the paper?
North Carolina State 21, West Virginia 20.
**West Virginia 24, North Carolina State 21
**West Virginia 24, North Carolina State 21
Insight Bowl: #14 Missouri vs. #44 Iowa
Tuesday, December 28. 10:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Iowa's had problems with players failing drug tests, right? I say give them all drugs! Get half the players high and the other half drunk, and let them at it.
Missouri 35, Iowa 20
Missouri 20, Iowa 19
Missouri 20, Iowa 19
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: #57 East Carolina vs. #32 Maryland
Wednesday, December 29. 2:30pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Tell both teams that there are a dozen mines hidden under the turf. Don't put any mines under the turf.
Maryland 23, East Carolina 20
Maryland 40, East Carolina 35
Maryland 40, East Carolina 35
Texas Bowl: #59 Illinois vs. #42 Baylor
Wednesday, December 29. 6:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Baylor hasn't been to a bowl game since 1994, so it's safe to say they don't know exactly how it's done. Use this knowledge to increase viewership by continuously hazing the Bears. Tell them the janitor closet room number is for the locker room. Place hidden cameras around to capture their hurt and confused expressions.
Baylor 31, Illinois 21
**Illinois 35, Baylor 28
**Illinois 35, Baylor 28
Valero Alamo Bowl: #12 Oklahoma State vs. #46 Arizona
Wednesday, December 29. 9:15pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Pistol Pete rips off his oversize head to reveal himself to be none other than T. Boone Pickens. (Below)
Oklahoma State 45, Arizona 23
Oklahoma State 38, Arizona 28
Oklahoma State 38, Arizona 28
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: #75 Army vs. #56 Southern Methodist
Thursday, December 30. 12:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Another bowl game in which one team has a definite home-field advantage (it's played at SMU's stadium). This time, to even out the odds, place some of those Bell Helicopters in Army's endzone and start 'em up whenever the Ponies get close to scoring. Props if the props extend out over the endzone. Don't jump too high for those fades, y'all...
Southern Methodist 28, Army 10
Southern Methodist 26.1, Army 25.8
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: #49 Kansas State vs. #66 Syracuse
Thursday, December 30. 3:20pm ET
How this bowl could be better: If it wasn't affiliated with the Big East. Yankee Stadium holds more people than live in Manhattan, KS. You think all of them are going to fly out to the other Manhattan to watch the Orange, in a snowstorm? I'd take the trip to NYC, but skip on the bowl.
Kansas State 34, Syracuse 19
Kansas State 25, Syracuse 23
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: #51 North Carolina vs. #65 Tennessee
Thursday, December 30. 6:40pm ET
How this bowl could be better: North Carolina gets to play their suspended players. BUT only based on the flip of a coin, for each player, for each play. Did he deserve to be suspended? Let the gods decide.
Tennessee 24, North Carolina 21
**North Carolina 24, Tennessee 22
Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: #17 Nebraska vs. #54 Washington
Thursday, December 30. 10:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Keep a running tally on the scoreboards of the amount of money Jake Locker has lost by coming back this year. Each incompletion = -$10k, each INT= -$200k. Last time he faced the Huskers, he was touting the #1 draft pick label. Then he went 4-20. How much will Locker lose this time??? Make it a game with all the fans, and those watching at home!
Nebraska 34, Washington 10
Nebraska 35, Washington 17
Meineke Car Care Bowl: #58 South Florida vs. #62 Clemson
Friday, December 31. 12:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Use some of Meineke's extra engine oil and lather it on the field. [Attempt to] Play normally.
Clemson 23, South Florida 21
Clemson 18, South Florida 16
Hyundai Sun Bowl: #29 Notre Dame vs. #47 Miami FL
Friday, December 31. 2:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Before the game, re-route the parade across the border to Juarez to pick up the pieces after the
Notre Dame 21, Miami 20
**Miami 22, Notre Dame 21
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: #63 Georgia vs. #24 UCF
Friday, December 31. 3:30pm ET
How this bowl could be better: You'd think that the Liberty Bowl would be near the Liberty Bell. No. Statue of Liberty? No. It's actually in the city in which Martin Luther King, that champion of Liberty, was assassinated. Have a good bowl game.
Georgia 34, UCF 20
**UCF 28, Georgia 25
Chick-Fil-A Bowl: #20 South Carolina vs. #23 Florida State
Friday, December 31. 7:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Is there any company more representative of America than Chick-Fil-A? They're not open on Sundays because the Bible says so, they can't spell, and they sell fried re-constituted chicken parts. U-S-A! U-S-A!
...Oh, the game? Uh. Whatever. Just have these two duke it out:
Florida State 31, South Carolina 27
Florida State 26, South Carolina 25
Saturday, January 1. 12:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Tickets to the game will be hidden around the city of Dallas. Clues will be posted on the internet, for 5000 per day, leading up to the game. Turn an otherwise dull bowl game into the largest scavenger hunt in history!
Texas Tech 42, Northwestern 21
Texas Tech 31, Northwestern 27
Capital One Bowl: #18 Alabama vs. #11 Michigan State
Saturday, January 1. 1:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Switch coaching staffs the night before the game. Surprise everyone when Nick Saban runs out with Sparty. Just like old times.
Alabama 25, Michigan State 17
Alabama 28, Michigan State 20
Outback Bowl: #40 Florida vs. #41 Penn State
Saturday, January 1. 1:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Actually play the game in the Outback. Australia has the highest proportion of venomous creatures in the world. Add a little spice to an otherwise knock-your-head-against-the-wall-boring run-run-incompletion-punt game. Joe Pa fighting off huge poisonous spiders? Yes please.
Penn State 14, Florida 13
**Florida 25, Penn State 21
Progressive Gator Bowl: #27 Mississippi State vs. #39 Michigan
Saturday, January 1. 1:30pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Michigan AD Dave Brandon puts a "RichRod and Ladders" game up on the big screen. During the game, a figurine of the embattled coach climbs up a ladder or down a chute, below which are alligators. If the 'gators get him, Rodriguez is canned. Otherwise, he lives to fight another day. Come on, the announcers are going to be talking about it. Might as well make it fun for the whole family.
Michigan 31, Mississippi State 23
**Mississippi State 30, Michigan 26
GoDaddy.com Bowl: #87 Middle Tennessee vs. #35 Miami OH
Thursday, January 6. 8:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: The GoDaddy.com girl hangs out on the sideline of the team in the lead, distracting players and coaches. This should lead to many lead changes, as each team wants the girl on their side, then are unable to sustain interest in the game when they get her.
Useful to Miami OH, because they are looking for a coach, and -did you know?- GoDaddy.com is a website and domain-building site. Huh.
Miami OH 30, Middle Tennessee 20
Miami OH 24, Middle Tennessee 21
AT&T Cotton Bowl: #13 LSU vs. #19 Texas A&M
Friday, January 7. 8:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: Don't hold the game in the Cotton Bowl Stadium. Instead, stage it in the cargo hold of a $1 billion spaceship parked across town. ...oh, wait...
Texas A&M 20, LSU 17
**LSU 24, Texas A&M 23
BBVA Compass Bowl: #52 Pittsburgh vs. #71 Kentucky
Saturday, January 8. 12:00pm ET
How this bowl could be better: If there was a time machine to take us back to the stadium's heyday. The site of the bowl had its upper deck condemned and removed in 2005, and the University of Alabama abandoned the site due to its structural problems. Once called the "Football Capital of the South," it hosted the first two SEC championships, but now gets this. Pitt vs UK.
Pitt 24, Kentucky 20
Pitt 28, Kentucky 26
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: #8 Nevada vs. #53 Boston College
Sunday, January 9. 9:00pm ET